An Engineer's Choice An engineer was walking on campus one day when his friend, another engineer, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first engineer was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
To: Michael J. Day/ITG/ISD/Maxwell cc: Subject: FW: 100 reasons it's great to be a guy This one is for you! -----Original Message----- 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Nite Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every shot of someone crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. 27. You never have to clean the toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite. 37. If your 34 and single nobody notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face stays its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanic tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking. "He must be mad at me". 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scary. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 69. Same work....more pay. 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them. 79. ESPN's sports center. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!" 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There is always a game on somewhere.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Three boys were alongside a fence. On the other side of the fence a naked woman was sunbathing. Curious to see what's on the other side, the two older boys told the youngest one to see what's on the other side of the fence. The youngest boy was scared at first, but the two older boys wre adamant and determined to see what's on the other side. So they pushed the youngest boy up. When they asked what he saw, he ran straight home. On another day the boys did it again. And again they asked the youngest boy what he saw. And again he ran home. Finally on the day after that they did the same routine but this time they caught the boy as he was leaving. They asked him why he ran. The boy replied, "Because my mom told if I look at naked woman I'll turn to stone and I was scared because I felt myself getting hard."
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
10 things that would be different if Microsoft made cars... 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. 8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. 9. The U.S. Government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them. 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
Five reasons computers must be females...... 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. Five reasons computers must be males..... 5. Left to their own devices, they will just sit there and do nothing. To get them to do anything for you, you first have to turn them on. If you don't keep them turned on, they won't do anything for you. 4. They require your undivided attention. Once you start paying any attention to them, you will find them taking more and more of your attention to the point of having no time to deal with anything else. 3. When giving them instructions, the instructions have to be extremely simplified and specific. You cannot tell them that something is on the hard drive, you have to tell them exactly _where_ it is on the hard drive, and the specific steps to find it, otherwise they can't see it, the same as if you tell a male that something is in the refrigerator, if it isn't right there in front of his face, he can't see it. 2. They allow themselves to be used by anyone - to them fidelity and loyalty are just words. 1. Chances are they'll crash at a critical time, before the job is finished.
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering. "Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first." "Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?" Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?" "Yes." "Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not." "You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." "Job assignment?" "Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." * * * * * * * * * * * Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait. "Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries." "I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up." Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!" "We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!" Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes .... .... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code! The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???" "You're forgetting something," said Abraham. "What's that?" asked Bill plaintively. "This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then .... .... GO TO HELL!"
A guy gets home from work one day and finds his dog lying on the floor, feet straight up in the air. He shakes him and prods him but the dog doesn't get up, so he calls the vet. The vet comes, examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead." The guy says, "But he can't be dead! He was fine this morning. Maybe he's just in a coma or something. Isn't there anything you can do?" The vet says, "Okay. I'll try one more thing." He pulls a kitten out of his bag and rubs it over the dog's face. Nothing happens. He rubs it over the rest of the dog's body. Nothing happens. "See," he says, "I told you, the dog is dead. I'm very sorry, but there's nothing I can do." The guy says, "Okay, okay, I believe you. How much do I owe you?" "$375," the vet tells him. "$375??? Just for telling me my dog's dead?" "No, that's only $75. The other $300 is for the Cat Scan."
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses: PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software. COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat. STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism." ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt! GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the gridlock is caused by the other side. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
From: The Downes Family
To: email@example.com Subject: Jokes... Here's one that I FINALLY got: THE CONDUCTOR There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it is this beautiful woman. She had curves in all the right places, her skin was just tan enough to give a healthy look.. well, you know what I mean. So, he asked her for her ticket: "Excuse me ma'ma, do have your ticket?" "Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," she replied. "Sorry, ma'am can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and threw her out of the train. Well, she landed on the tracks, was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested, thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution. The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He ask of a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again,and nothing happened. Well, by law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him. Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a condustor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy. "Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor. "A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mithtake..", said the little boy. And.. the same thing happened-- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electricution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch- puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. Well, as the law says, they had to let him go... Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rights, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners... Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!" The guy replied, "I just like bananas." So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!" "I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor." Woman has been in a coma for 10 years with absolutely no response at all. One day the nurse is giving the woman a sponge bath and when she cleans the woman's vagina area the woman moans. Now the nurse is absolutely stunned, this is the first sound the comatose woman has uttered in 10 years. So she tries rubbing the vagina again to see what happens. This time the woman moans even louder. So the nurse rushes out to talk to the doctor. The doctor and other specialists discuss it for awhile and decide that they are going to have to get the husband involved. So they call the husband to the hospital and explain what has happened. They tell him they what to try something. "We would like you to have oral sex with your wife. Now we will set up electronic monitoring equipment in the room and will give you complete privacy". The man thinks about it for a while and agrees. The doctors set up the room and then usher the husband in and shut the door. Outside they sit in front of the monitors. For a while there is absolutely no response on any of the monitors, suddenly they all go nuts for a few minutes then flat line. The doctors go rushing into the room to see what has happened. As they enter the room they find the husband just zipping up his fly. "What happened?" they ask. He replies "I don't know, she must have choked on it." **** Man is on his way home from work driving thru the tunnel and decides he wants a hand job. Gets to the other side of the tunnel and sees a hooker. He pulls over and asks the hooker: "How much for a Hand Job?" The Hooker replies: "Fifty Dollars." The john replies: "Fifty dollars are you nuts, that too damn much!" "Well Honey," replies the hooker "see this diamond ring on my finger, that what the last guy I gave a hand job to gave me." The john agrees, and gets the best hand job he's ever hand. The next day the john decides since the hand job was so good, he wants to try a blow job. Gets thru the tunnel finds the same hooker and asks for the price of a Blow Job. "One hundred dollars" replies the hooker. "ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!! No way!" yells the john. The hooker points over her shoulder at a mercedes benz, "That's what I got for my last blow job" The john agrees and gets the best damn blow job he's ever had. Weekend goes by and the whole time the john can think of nothing except the hooker and go the next step to get laid. Monday he gets a pile of cash and goes looking for the hooker. Finds the hooker and asks "Okay how much to get laid." Hooker turns around points at an apartment building, "That's what I would get for a lay if I had a pussy" One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." Technical Terminology: 486................. The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art.... Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete............ Any computer you own. Microsecond......... The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. Syntax Error....... "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." (or: "Windows is superior because....") GUI ("gooey")....... What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. Computer Chip....... Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming. Keyboard............ The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse............... An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy.............. The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer Hard Drive.......... The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen. Portable Computer... A device invented to force businesspeople to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash.......... A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User.......... Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System update....... A quick method of trashing all of your current software. You May Be an Engineer if... If you introduce your wife as "firstname.lastname@example.org" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero *** <----- *** If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you have never backed-up your hard drive If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" If you see a good design and still have to change it If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate from patrice: Signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world.... In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Paris hotel: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. >From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Ar s by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours; we guarantee no miscarriages. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. >From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate 1.Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2.Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3.Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 4.Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again." 5.Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6.Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7.Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. 8.Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. 9.Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10."Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. 11.Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep. 12.Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about. 13.Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." 14.Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. 15.Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. 16.Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. 17.Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. 18.Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." 19.Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. 20.Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." 21.If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..." 22.Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. 23.Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 24.Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" 25.Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn." 26.Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere." 27.Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 28.Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes. 29.Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. 30.While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 31.Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon. 32.Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 33.Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. 34.Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again. 35.Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 36.Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. 37.Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. 38.Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" 39.Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. 40.Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. 41.Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. 42.Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray." 43.Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. 44.Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 45.Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. 46.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." 47.Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." 48.Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?" 49.Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." 50.Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." 51.Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe. 52.Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." 53.Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey. 54.Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it. 55.Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately. 56.Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor). 57.Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate. 58.Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt. 59.Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito. 60.Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate. 61.Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. 62.Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that." 63.Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate. 64.Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" 65.Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done." 66.Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!") 67.Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. 68.When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. 69.Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return. 70.Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral. 71.Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. 72.Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room. 73.Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...." 74.Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood. 75.Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. 76.Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. 77.Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! 78.Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 79.Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see. 80.Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. 81.Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower. 82.Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout. 83.Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore. 84.Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. 85.Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...." 86.Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out. 87.As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. 88.Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids. 89.Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade. 90.Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. 91.Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day. 92.Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." 93.Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room. 94.Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. 95.Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules. 96.Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes. 97.While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even. 98.Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. 99.Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel. 100.Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you meet the chicken on the road, kill it. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Other: It was too far to walk around! Texan: To prove to the armadillio that it could be done.
: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded : United flight was canceled. : : A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced : travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. : He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on : this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." : : The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help : you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be : able to work something out." : : The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the : passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" : : Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public : address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, : her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger : here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help : him find his identity, please come to the gate." : : With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man : glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) : you." : : Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll : have to stand in line for that, too." : : The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. : Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no : longer angry at United.
Courtesy of Michelle. :-) #Subject: Woman-speak! (fwd) # # Womanspeak <=> English # ---------------------------------------------------------------------- # * You want <=> You want # * We need <=> I want # * It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be # obvious by now # * Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later # * We need to talk <=> I need to complain # * Sure... go ahead <=> I don't want you to. # * I'm hungry <=> (a) Make me something to eat. # (b) Stop what you are doing, and go # get me something to eat - I don't # care if what you are doing # is important. # * I'm not upset <=> Of course I'm upset,you moron. # * You're ... so manly <=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot. # * You're certainly <=> Is sex all you ever think about? # attentive tonight. # * I'm not emotional! <=> I'm on my period. # And I'm not overreacting! # # * Be romantic, turn <=> I have flabby thighs. # out the lights. # * This kitchen is so <=> I want a new house. # inconvenient # * The car is empty <=> Go fill it up # * The trash is full <=> Take it out # * The dog is barking <=> Go outside in your underwear and see # what is wrong # * I want new curtains <=> and carpeting, and furniture, and # wallpaper..... # * I need wedding shoes <=> the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade # of white # * Hang the picture there<=> NO, I mean hang it there! # * I heard a noise <=> I noticed you were almost asleep. # * Do you love me? <=> I'm going to ask for something # expensive. # * How much do you love <=> I did something today you're really # me not going to like. # * I'll be ready in <=> Kick off your shoes and find a good # a minute. game on T.V. # * Is my butt fat? <=> Tell me I'm beautiful. # * You have to learn <=> Just agree with me. # to communicate. # * It's all right, dear. <=> You'll pay for this. # * Yes <=> No # * No <=> No # * Maybe <=> No # * I'm sorry. <=> You'll be sorry. # * Do you like this <=> It's easy to fix, # recipe? so you'd better get use to it. # * Was that the baby ? <=> Why don't you get out of bed and # walk him until he goes to sleep. # * I'm not yelling ! <=> Yes I am yelling because # I think this is important. # # # ------------* in answer to "What's wrong ? *--------------- # --The same old thing. <=> Nothing. # --Nothing. <=> Everything. # --Everything. <=> My PMS is acting up. # --Nothing, really. <=> It's just that you're such an # asshole. # --I don't want to <=> Go away, I'm still building # talk about it. up steam. # # --What makes you <=> I'm going to kill you. # think there is # something wrong?
Signs Your Spouse Is Having An Affair By Computer" As presented on the 02/02/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Lately she sits at the computer naked 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk dive 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand 5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software" 4. Lipstick on the mouse 3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants 1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass
What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did... ************************************************************************** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" ************************************************************************** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'. CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'. HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?" CUSTOMER: "Followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..." HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about." CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round thing that honks the horn?" HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things." CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ************************************************************************** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't even start up!" HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product." CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did - now the damn thing's crashed." HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?" CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!" HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?" CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?" HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator." CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know." HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!" *********************************************************************** *** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
From: "Kendra Frederich" (KFREDERI@us.oracle.com) Subject: Fwd: long computer joke Date: 2 Jan 96 >50 Ways to Scare People In the Computer Room > >1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look >on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've >found me!" and bolt. > >2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & >then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at >everyone who looks at you. > >3. When your computer is turned off, complain >to the monitor on duty that you can't get the >damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, >wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the >process for a good half hour. > >4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the >person next to you evilly. > >5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect >each computer to different screen than the one >it's set up with. > >6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" >theme song and play it at the highest volume >possible over & over again. > >7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look >amazingly startled by something on the screen >and crawl underneath the desk. > >8. Ask the person next to you if they know how >to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. > >9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at >people you don't know. > >10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer >before you turn it on. > >11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone >asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." >mysteriously. > >12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start >cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about >your life. Then stop and continue typing. > >13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at >other people as if they're crazy while typing. > >14. Light candles in a pentagram around your >terminal before starting. > >15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. >Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a >disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." > >16. Every time you press Return and there is >processing time required, pray >"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and >scream "YES!" when it finishes. > >17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" > >18. Start making out with the person at the >terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, >but this is also a great way to make new >friends). > >19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your >hands in your pockets. type by hitting the keys >with the straw. > >20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin >around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" >whenever there is processing time required. > >21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a >piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to >seduce it. Act like it hates you and then >complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. > >22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 >1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the >supervisor. > >23. When you are on an IBM, and when you >turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple >face is when you turn on one of those. > >24. Print out the complete works of >Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days >later) say that all you wanted was one line. > >25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails >noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them >out at the feet of the person next to you. > >26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, >look at the person next to grinding. Repeat >procedure, making sure you never provoke the >person enough to let them blow up, as this >releases tension, and it is far more effective to >let them linger. > >27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, >look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on >your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. > >28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the >British Royal Family on your desk and loudly >proclaim that it inspires you. > >29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of >socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of >the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and >drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden >haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on >plastic. > >30. Take the keyboard and sit under the >computer. Type up your paper like this. Then >go to the lab supervisor and complain about the >bad working conditions. > >31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish >in flames!!!" and continue working. > >32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your >computer is smoking. > >33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the >Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). >Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. >Write an entire paper this way. > >34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. > >35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by >reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I >borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the >keyboard & taking it. > >36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. > >37. When doing calculations, pull out an >abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are >best. > >38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful >computer in the lab. > >39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key >over and over again until you see that your >neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar >so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your >neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key >several times, erasing an entire word. While >you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key >work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting >the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing >this until you've deleted about a page of your >neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: >"Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the >space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't >deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and >leave. > >40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide >it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your >computer ate your disk. (For special effects, >put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk >drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) > >41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, >look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say >"You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab >your stuff and leave, howling as you go. > >42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up >language while making elaborate hand gestures >for a minute or two. Press return or the use, >then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" >peek up from under the table, walk back to the >computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this >time," and calmly start to type again. > >43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to >swat them. > >44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a >talk request. Talk to them like you've known >them all your lives. Hangup before they geta >chance to figure out you're a total stranger. > >45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of >really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the >computer and look really lost. > >46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the >screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. > >47. Come into the computer lab wearing several >endangered species of flowers in your hair. >Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh >happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and >kiss the screen. Repeat this after every >sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug >the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then >the computer assistant, and walk out. > >48. Run into the computer lab, shout >"Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down >and begin to type. > >49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a >Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, >and then walk up to the nearest person and say >"Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my >pet crocodile for the next week". > >50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
courtesy of michelle
The Real version of the popular Christmas Song
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the
house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't
sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And Christ - do they pipe. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screeh. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll get yours.
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar
Attorneys at Law
Once there was a man named Puck Dahmer, who made his living as a bicycle messenger. He had a good career when he was young, because he was smart and fast. Over the years however, his career began to wither dry, for he became old and slow. As a result, he became ever more depressed and violent -- and all because he never got what he wanted from Santa.
One Christmas Eve Puck had a little too much eggnog. He made a batch of marijuana brownies and filled a glass with some milk laced with Everclear. Then he set a trap for Santa by setting the food out to eat. Cackling evilly to himself, he went to bed. Later that night, Santa came down the chimney, ate the brownies, drank the milk, danced with the Christmas tree and passed out. When Puck woke up, he found Santa sitting on top of the Christmas tree with a bow on his head and explaining to a light fixture, in a slightly slurred voice, why he felt trapped by his marriage. Puck smiled to himself and proceeded with the second part of his plan -- to take the fat man prisoner as revenge for all the presents he had never received. After Puck got Santa off the tree and tied to a chair (which took a while, since Puck never suspected that Santa had a boot knife or that he would be such a good fighter with it, even drunk), Santa screamed, "How dare you offend the Mighty Thor!! I will smite you for your blasphemy!!!" He began waving his one free arm around in circles, pretending he had a mighty hammer and making smiting noises with his mouth. After his shoulder began to cramp up, he calmed down a bit.
Puck took the opportunity to ask him, "Santa, why didn't you ever bring me what I wanted for Christmas? I asked for a moped because I was tired of pedaling all over the freakin' city! All you ever gave me was a bunch of rock-hard fruitcakes and, finally, a pony! Well, I wouldn't have minded the pony, except IT WAS FREAKIN' DEAD!!"
Santa screamed, "Well, bite me!! The pony was FINE until I tried to wrap it... How the heck was I supposed to know that it couldn't breathe through the paper!?"
Puck screamed back, "SHUT UP, FAT MAN! FORGET ABOUT THE PONY, HOW COME YOU NEVER GOT ME THE MOPED!?? "
"Listen, you little smegger," said Santa. "You never got the moped because we don't handle ANYTHING mechanical, so STUFF THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!!"
"Why the heck not?! Why don't you handle anything mechanical! I WANT THE TRUTH OUT OF YOU, YOU FAT COMMIE," demanded Puck.
"THE TRUTH!? YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" screamed Santa. "Besides, it's classified." With this, Santa reached into a hidden pocket and yanked out a live grenade.
"HO, HO, HO, HERE WE GO," screamed Santa, who then stuffed the grenade into his mouth and pulled the pin.
From that tragic day forward, the parents of young children have had to spend massive amounts of money on Christmas presents. All good parents curse the name of Santa every time they are forced to fork out for a stupid Cabbage Patch doll.
On a side note, the widowed Mrs. Claus and the seven hundred orphaned elves tried to continue life at the North pole. Unfortunately, one day Mrs. Claus wandered off in a snowstorm, never to be seen again. The elves tried bravely to continue as before, although after they had eaten all the reindeer they were forced to begin feeding on the weak among themselves. They became a group of nomadic barbarians, and eventually wandered down to Montana, where they took up residence in a large oak tree. They formed the tribe of Keebler, and produced cookies, chips, and snack foods forever after.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left? None replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.
Well, the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.
Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?
Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.
For their first date, Bob took Sally to an expensive restaurant, insisting: "Order whatever you like."
Sally obeyed, downing shrimp cocktail, lobster, two helpings of filet mignon, chicken Kiev, a bottle of Dom Perignon and an entire chocolate mousse covered with ice cream.
"Whoa!" Bob marveled. "Does your mother feed you like that?"
"No," Sally shot back, "but my mother's not trying to fuck me either."
Vera consulted a fortune-teller.
The Gypsy gazed into her crystal ball and proclaimed:
"Your husband is going to die soon!"
"I know that!" Vera whined. "What I want to know is if I'm going to jail!"
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
#Password incorrect. Try again.
#Password incorrect. Try again.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
The record shows that George Dale Mirical and Mary Octavia Hartwick were married on January 30, 1954. Upon that union, Mary's initials were changed to M.O.M., and 15 months later, on Easter Sunday, her first son was born.
My parents didn't plan to have many kids. But their son was followed by six daughters. Then got five more sons AND five more daughters. "What's better family planning than to have one child every year?" Dad asked.
Just before their 17th and last child was born in 1974, the Illinois Department of Revenue sent my parents a notice:
Internal Revenue Service information indicates that you claimed six more exemptions on your 1971 Illinois tax return than on your federal return. Based on this information, your Illinois tax was recalculated. You are consequently being assessed $211.
Dad, a certified public accountant, was furious. Would he make a mistake on his own tax return? Mom was amused. It reminded her of the time someone saw all her kids in the back yard and accused her of running an illegal nursery.
Dad gradually yielded to Mom's enjoyment of the irony. One night he came home from work with a sheepish grin and handed her a piece of paper. "I wrote a letter," he said. "What do you think?"
Mom noticed his impish look and peered at the scribbled statement addressed to the Director of the Department of Revenue:
Dear Sir, We received your communication informing me and my wife that, according to the federal government, we did not have 15 children in 1971 as reported on our state income-tax return, but only had nine children and therefore owe the state $211. I wish to thank you very much for this information. There has always been disagreement between my wife and me about the exact number. We just had our 20th wedding anniversary, and now she says we have 16, all conceived right and proper after we were married. Now I agree with you and the federal government that that's a bit unbelievable. The trouble is that though my wife ain't too bright about some things, she can count pretty good. It may be some pesky neighbor has slipped a few of his into my house and I been boardin' them. I'm at a loss as to how to solve our problem. I'd count them myself but I can't get 'em to stand still long enough in one place. The one thing I can say for sure is that there does seem to be a lot of 'em around. Heck, my wife even claims she's goin' to have another one 'bout April. I reckon the best thing would be to contact the infernal revenooers again and see what evidence they have to support their figures. I hear they are pretty good lately at gettin' confidential information. I hope you don't think I'm disputin' your word-- it's my wife I can't convince. I'd send you the $211 if it was up to me, but I can't 'cause she hid my checkbook again. Whatever you find out, you should communicate direct with my wife from now on. I didn't have much to do with this in the first place, and if I ask her how she had so many children, she just says she does it the same way ever'body else does. If I was you, though, I wouldn't send no personal representative to see her just yet. For the past few days she's been stompin' around and mumblin' things about the government like you'd never believe.
Mom liked the letter so much she typed it up and mailed it right off. Eventually, the Tax Processing Center figured out its mistake.
Our notice to you was generated because of an oversight in our computer program. This has been corrected so that we should not bother you again. Normally, we are called everything in the world except human beings. Your letter was so unusual that it received special handling.
Two weeks later my sister Mary was born, and Dad kept the saga going by writing again:
I just thought I would let you know that she did it again, baby girl, 7 lb. 10 oz. I would have invited you into the delivery room so you could see with your own eyes, but there was a lot of moanin' and groanin' in there and I figured you already heard enough of that bein' a tax collector. She was born on April Fools' Day and I don't want that to create any fresh suspicions in your mind.
A few days later a special card arrived, signed by more than 75 employees of the Tax Processing Center. The last one to sign was Dan Walker, then governor of Illinois:
Congratulations on the Birth of Your New Exemption!